Sunday, September 11, 2005

Four Years Ago Today

Today marks the fourth anniversary of the day that changed the world. The Kept Woman asks us where we were the day the world stopped turning.

I was nursing my 3 month old baby.

I had just had my second son and I was sitting on the recliner when my mom told me to turn on the news. She said a plane hit a World Trade Center tower and while the news was covering the crash another plane flew right into the second tower. I flipped on the TV and watched. And watched. And watched.

That day I was going to Papa’s office for a few hours to get his files organized while he kept the boys. I got to his office and the television was on, but nobody was working. We all stayed glued to the TV and the files remained where they were the day before. Nothing got done. All the appointments with clients scheduled for that day were cancelled by the clients who couldn’t focus. In the world of sales this is not good. In some ways I don’t think our business was ever the same after 9/11. We took a direct hit at first, but really it was more of a life evaluation based on you-never-know-what’s-going-to-happen that made us decide ultimately to close our doors two years later.

Another indirect consequence of 9/11 for me was depression. Granted at 3 months postpartum I was already at risk, but the events of 9/11 certainly sent me over the psychological edge. I remember being so sad about everything that I wasn’t able to even enjoy my own son. I was constantly crying and not just a boo-hoo, but earth shaking sobs. Then the panic attacks started. Consider that my first son was born in January 1999 and three months later in April 1999 the worst case of school violence occurred at Columbine High School in Littleton, Colorado. And now the terrorist attacks three months after my second child was born. Admittedly, my body was a hormonal mess, but my mind kept going back to what kind of world did I bring my kids into? I was depressed. I felt guilty. The saddest part is that I stayed this way for over a year and a half before going to get help. I simply didn’t know it didn’t have to be this way. Finally I went and got help (and no, Mr. Cruise, it was not through vitamins and exercise alone), but that’s a story for another post.

I didn’t know anyone at the time that was directly affected by the events of that day, but I’ve since made a friend that was very close to the tragedy. It’s interesting to hear her tell of the day that changed the world having been so close to it all.

I haven’t been on a plane since that day and I still have no desire to do so now. I don’t want to visit other countries; I don’t want to leave my safe little world. Maybe with time and distance my views will change, but not now. Something I heard recently that just haunts me is the ticket clerk who put two of the terrorist on the flight that hit one of the towers killed herself. It breaks my heart to think that in some way she held herself responsible enough to end her own life. To me she was equally a victim of the terrorist attacks. I pray that she has found peace.

I pray for each of you on this saddest of anniversaries we all share.



Mama Duck said...

True. Nothing like two of the worst American tragedies in recent history to feed into your post-partum blahs.

Lucky Lum said...

I have felt like you did many times too. Sometimes it's better to turn off the news and just live in your little world for awhile. Then we don't have to get all panicked about things happening to us or our family.
I just got chills reading about the ticket clerk though. that's terrible

Krisco said...

That is so sad. I just hope, maybe it's not true.

I wonder if she even remembered them, or thought about them at the time. Yet surely she was just following protocal in putting them on. It wasn't her fault at all, but whoever makes the rules about who can go on, and whoever (didn't) cross check terrorist lists with no-fly lists and on and on. That is just so sad.