Time Junkie

I spent my Serene Sunday crying to my husband of how sick I am of the kids being home and how I can't wait for school to start. I was upset because I didn't have any time to have a consecutive thought or have any sort of order to this madhouse. Then I felt terrible because I felt that way. I'm their mom, for goodness sake! The sound of their noises should be music to my ears, but it just makes me crazy. Not all the time, but enough time over these last 12 weeks that the constant sound it wearing on me. I sound nuts.

My big plan was to start running again, but that hasn't happened. What do I do with the kids as I'm running away the stress? Not to mention in Texas it's just too HOT in August to run except for early in the morning or late at night. There are people out on the trail and in the neighborhoods running so I know my reason is just an excuse. So what I actually have been doing is just giving up. I become Floppy Mommy and let them do what they want so long as it keeps the peace and some semblance of silence in my house. That of course, leads to more disorganization and chaos. At this last week of summer it's become a matter of picking my poisons.

Both of the boys will be in school this year. The Negotiator will be in second grade and The Critter will be in Kindergarten. I've been getting a lot of - probably unintended, but there none the less - pressure to go back to work full time. It's comments like, "I saw a job that you'd be perfect for in our employment listings" or "what are you going to do with all that time once the boys are in school?". Um, that is when I hope to get my life back. I really was considering going back to work to increase our income, but with the stress of afterschool care, summers, sick days, conferences days and the like it isn't worth it to me or Papa. I know he's been able to advance faster in his career (read more income) in part because he IS able to stay later, take on special projects and responsibilities without worrying about the kids. The flip side of that is that a huge portion of the home front responsibilities are on me. That can make for a very squirrelly mom.

I wish I had a longer range goal than getting through the first few weeks of school. I know that I won't work in a traditional job outside the home because of the conflicts we feel it brings to the home for our family. That assessment may just be a matter of habit on our end. People adapt and I'm sure moms that work full time outside the home make adjustments in their own way. This just works for us.

Listen to me! I'm always justifying staying home! And to whom? Not to Papa. His mom stayed home so this is the way it *should* be to him. Okay, back to what I was saying, I would like to find a way to do something creative that could be parlayed into additional income (and the tax benefits of self employment). So far I can't even manage to get the few things I have to sell off a few of the things I have put aside for Craigslist and eBay.

*sigh*

I'll let you know if it gets easier once they are both out of the house for several hours at a clip. You know the crazy thing about time is that the more you have, the more you crave. I used to have a few hours each week when The Critter was in MDO, but now I want more, more, more! I'm a time junkie looking for fix.

-e